On my 31st birthday I opened my own business, and within 12 months of opening, I acquired contracts from Harvey Nichols to introduce my brand in to thier stores. I was married. I had venture capital investors, corporate bank lenders, a premium city centre location. I was married. I had a 10 year old step son. I owned a house. A car. All the things you have to furnish your home with: Japanese rice bowls given as wedding presents, crockery I picked especially because I loved the colours or the design, personally picked washing machines and glass ware, pieces of furniture, and airing cupboards full of towels and linen and clean washing waiting to be ironed.
I will be 34 in two weeks.
I am no longer married. And in ending my marriage, I gave up my family. I have no business. I gave up my house. My car. My furniture, my appliances. I have no corporate backing or support.
You have to ask Why ? How? What does it all mean ?
Every aspect of my existence: material, social, professional, personal, geographic - it's all been rearranged since that birthday in 2005 when I launched that business which was my absolute dream, which made me feel, for the first time in my life, that I knew what I had come on to this Earth to do.
And yet I chose this change. This is what I CHOSE.
I chose to leave my husband. I chose to close the business. I chose to give up the house, the car, the furniture, the appliances.
I made each of these decisions intuitively. After weeks, (sometimes months) of meditation, prayer and contemplation. I have felt guided in each one of them. I journaled about them all, keeping a Prayer Book, a Dream Book and a Personal Journal. And I would write and think, and think and read, and pray and listen.
And I made my decisions. And take tiny steps. One tiny step after another.
And they brought me here.
And here I am. About to be 34. No family of my own anymore. No business of my own anymore. Feeling like I'm not sure where I am, and unsure of why it seems to be taking such time and pain to get to where I want to be.
If I have been divinely guided, if there are angels around me, if I have guides who are helping and watching over me, then I have wondered these last few weeks - WHAT IS THIS ? WHY AM I HERE? WHAT DIVINITY CAN THERE BE IN THIS ?
It is said that all you have to do is ASK, and IT IS GIVEN. So I'm asking. And asking. HAVE I LOST ? WHY AM I HERE ?
Because I chose a deep, lasting, committed, trusting love in my life that wholly respects, honours, supports, cherishes and nourishes me, and that meant acknowledging and then releasing a relationship that was not that.
Because I chose a business that I am in control of, not the slave of, which delivers its mission with integrity not compromises, and that meant letting go of situations that could not allow that.
Because I chose to practice compassion, love, tolerance, patience, humility, and respect instead of asserting my interests forcefully, combatitavely over someone I love, especially when I have no place for material things and he may have good use for them.
Because I chose to act with integrity, responsibility, diligence and care to the corporations and companies that funded my company, which means doing the best that I can for as long as I am required to.
Because of these choices I have suffered losses that have made me feel heartache, sadness, fear, confusion, self doubt, inadequacy, failure, and disillusionment.
And yet in making all these choices, I have grown to know a deeper, and more beautiful aspect of my Self and of the world around me.
Because of these choices I have received within myself abslolute self respect, peace, wisdom, and grace.
These are qualities that I once only WISHED were truly within me, ruling and shining on every fibre of my being. And now I find them at the centre of my Self and the world I have created.
They have inspired me to act with compassion, kindness, patience, integrity, love, humour, joy, warmth, respect and humility, all in difficult circumstances - I have found myself to be the person I always wanted to be, aspired to be.
I prayed to be this person, with all of these qulaities, and what I have been given is the chance, through each loss, and each situation, to live the qualities out in every act. In doing so, I have been given a chance to be someone I always wanted to be. So a prayer has been answered. A healing has occured.
And so, my faith in my guides, in my angels, in divine order and timing, is stronger than ever, and I trust that everything is just as it should be, that I am just where I am meant to be, and that all my dreams - are coming true right now, tiny bit by bit...
My move to California, to take up healing, to meet my soul mate with whom I will travel the world and have children, to divide my time between NYC, So Cal and Scotland, to explore and teach spirituality, to bring back my business and integrate healing facilties in to it...it's all happening, just as it ought to, in the order that it needs to.
And I am not doing this alone. I am guided in this. Protected. Supported. Watched.
I am not lost.I am found.
I am more authentic. I am more aware.
My heart is open.
And this is my journey.
Through time and space.
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The whole time I was in relationship with P, I thought the lyrics to this song were 'Since I met you, I found the world something new'. It made me feel how I loved him whatever he was doing, wherever we were.
I recently found that actually the lyric is 'Since I left you'
And somehow now it makes more sense than ever.
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