Like A Lion (nothing can change what you mean to me)

SMS SENT AT 06:15 to +4411790560***:

I just dreamt that you lived with helen hipkiss and that you had a girlfriend called helen pain and i came to see you and i was crying and crying and you came to see me and you had your beardy and you looked big and beautiful like a lion and you were holding me and i said 'i don't want to know anything about your stupid girlfriend'. Sadness x

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I woke crying.

He called me to tell me he that 500 miles away or more he woke from a dream at 06:30 crying.

We talked about the connection. We talked about how it's good that there's no way back and that there's only a road ahead. And that we're in different places.

I couldn't understand why the tears were falling all day. I know that we've done what we were meant to do. And that the right thing is that it is over.

And then 'Nothing can change what you mean to me.'

Knowing that this man was a man with whom I did once touch something that animated both our spirits in ways of beauty and joy and peace. Once.


We talked about meeting other people. About maybe never meeting other people. I told him I met someone recently and I thought I think I could like someone like that. Like being with someone like that.

I told him about Stornoway and Zorbing. He told me about his favourite company who hand make small stoves for camping from America. He asked me if I was listening to The Archers. I said No - that was in another life. And then he told me about Matt Crawford's world coming undone. We talked about Scotland and England. About how there's nothing to like about the Northwest and then about the country lanes you find just around the corner if you go off the main road where he lives. I told him about yoga training in California and then we talked about how far we'd come: that Ic ould after three and a half years, when I was hurting and confused, call him and cry my tears to him, in complete vulnerability and he didn't hurt me: he just listened and made me laugh.

I told him that I think it happens at the end of July. When I leave for California. That I'm going.

I told him I loved him. And he told me he loved me. And when he said as I was crying, 'tell me - what is it do you think that you want?'

And I stopped and i thought and then and said 'I think I just want you to be a friend'.

He said 'Well, you have friend. You always have a friend.'

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I feel quite blessed to have loved him the way I loved him. To have had the self awareness to know what I needed to do to look after myself and then the strength to have done it.

I feel blessed to have been able to meet him with love even when we were at our most wounded.

I feel blessed to know that three and a half years later, when everything else feels uncertain, I know that there is someone who knows me and loves me and will always be a friend. As new relationships blossom or maybe fail. As the continents we live in change. As our paths appear to be going in more and more different directions.

'Nothing can change what you mean to me.'
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I think the dream was a message to me that it was time to tell him I was leaving, and to feel the real meaning of this ending for us both. New people in his life. A life an ocean apart from one another in which there would be whispers of his success and love and happiness from mututal friends. Get ready, my dream told me, to hear of his happiness and renewal. It showed me that there was healing to do: 'I don't want to know anything about your stupid girlfriend.'


More letting go. More self belief. More unconditional love and support to give.

We talked and found that in the end, after all is said and done, all there is, is love.

And with enough time and healing between us, it's an amazing thing to be back in state of absolute love for one another.

My dream supported me, prepared me. This morning I feel steady. I feel good to go.

Traveling at the speed of love, with an open heart. Authentic. Vulnerable. Unafraid.

Ready.

Through time and space.