' I live in cotton flannel jamas inside out...'

This evening I disovered the extraordinarily breathtaking work of John Robison at: http://jerobison.blogspot.com

Some extracts of this longer piece of poignant beauty and depth are shortlisted at the bottom of this page. They're taken from here:
http://jerobison.blogspot.com/2009/09/part-ii-of-females-view-of-aspergers.html

***
I'm learning.

And I think, I wasn't wrong that day.
Everything, I think, actually is going to be alright forever.
Because I'm learning. And it's beautiful. It's actually very beautiful.

***

Step outside the glass box.

You're beautiful.

And I love you.

And I am safe to be with.

I'll work harder to understand you.

If you can let me go a little. And trust that I am going still to be here.

You have an awareness that is extraordinary and multidemensional.

I don't mind that you interests are broad or narrow - only let them be more than just an interest in 'us'.

You're different.

And pure.

And gentle.

And loyal.

And dedicated.

And devoted.

And deserving of having the brilliance and gentleness that infuses you reflected back to you.

I know that somehow you feel everything even when you can't say a word.

And I know that you know what's right even when you say all the wrong words.

You can not stand the speed and force of my expression.

We're different.

But I'm ready to go slower.

And You - you will teach me to be kinder.

A prism of awareness.

A rainbow of learning between us.'


***

What i read this evening:

On:

Language:
'our play on words is not understood by anyone except ourselves! Also there's a Tourette's kind of way we blurt out what we really think and feel...'

Age:
'We are age-inappropriate. We are childlike and innocent and naive, even when having experienced many harsh experiences. It's a childlike innocence that pervades our entire being...'


Obsessions:
'I go very intensely into one or two topics at a time. Then, I'll move on to another one. These obsessions last years, decades. And while I'm focused on it, that's all I want to do...'


Teasing
'We don't get it. It's so obviously laced with an ugly intent. You can feel the undercurrent pulling you down. Why are you making fun of me? I don't understand. I thought you liked me. I like you. How can you not like someone who likes you? See? It's very painful..'


Sensitivities
'We are sensitive to noise, light, textures and smells....Perfumes? Forget about it! I can literally vomit from perfume...Sounds? I can hear electricity in the walls. I have to unplug everything in the house sometimes just to get to sleep...Textures? Cannot stand, STAND, seams!! Why in God's name do idiots use fishing line to sew clothing? That and these 2 inch seams are asinine. Period. So I wear my clothes inside out. I live in cotton flannel jamas inside out...'


Insomnia
'The brain simply never stops. I can be laying in bed breathing like I'm asleep yet fully aware of everything going on around me. ... I am always aware...'


Social Faux-Pas
'I'm a big old puppy. I'll come bounding up to you with a big smile on my face full of enthusiasm and friendly intent. I don't know that you think I'm trying too hard. Trying for what? I don't understand that one at all. It is true genuine enthusiasm (my favorite word en - Theos -asm meaning having God within), the real deal, not any manipulation to win your favor...'


Routines
'We hate our little routines to be disrupted. I have my little things I do every morning and I will not allow anything or anyone to get in the way of them..I do love to go to foreign countries and meet new people. There they just think I'm a crazy American....'


Overwhelm
'Crowds seem to send me into hysteria....'

I know all of this. I know all of this.

The Shorter Story (Love of Mine)

Last night in the Hilton, at LAX I was blessed by a living saint.
She held me to her, and spoke words in my ears.
When I got home at 4am, I saw West Yorkshire in my dreams. These images:











There were no people in the dream. Just a piece of music. Which played in its entirety from start to finish, as if carried by the wind:




***

I had another dream. An aunt, whom I haven't had been able to connect with for a long time invited me in to her home: I was happy at some news she had, and she was happy to see me: she had a plate of fruit: green grapes, sliced oranges, and I think strawberries.

The fruit tasted sharp and sweet and wet.


***

Today, at a picnic brunch, eating home made waffles with berries and maple syrup, sitting on the grass at the top of the cliff, looking out at the Ocean, I asked L if he dreamt last night after being blessed by the Saint.

He told me in his dream he saw the world in the form of vibrating light and energy waves and felt himself as a body of light.


***

In my dream I saw the town I lived in with the man I had married, 8 years ago, six thousand miles away. The last time I was there it broke my heart to leave.

And I shared fruit with an aunt it's often broken my heart to be far from.

Two events that broke my heart that flash up on the screen of my dreams on the night of a blessing from a saint.

***

More healing.

Still more healing.

I wonder what I have to do. I wonder what I am being shown.
I wonder why I dreamt what I dreamt.

Was it release or was it a sign of more work to do.
How much more work do I have to do be healed?

The only thing that has come and settled on me, first as a gentle melody in the back of my mind, then a hum on my lips and then finally I found myself singing the words out loud:



Healing, I think today, is gentle, delicate and ongoing and is happening in different known and unknown, seen and unseen, dimensions of our minds and therefore the universe - throughout time and space.