About two weeks ago, the readers' notes on ALL THE REASONS I SAID YES, re-write number one came back. And they love the work. They compare it to 'Silver Linings'. And they say it's a very special indie. And they're talking about a buyer and connecting with the material.
But of course there are some very stern words: 'A screenplay is not a novel' and the 're write your dialogue' and the 'develop your character'.
But one message keeps repeating from four different readers:
'The only thing holding this back are the errors with the format - apart from that, it's compelling, powerful, fascinating, beautiful, poignant, relevant...'
Wow. So it's good. But it needs some work.
But, they think studios will want to move on it so fast that they want to bring in a new writer - because this screenplay, it's very NOW. No time, apparently, to wait three years for the idiot new writer (that's me) to perfect the art of cinema dialogue and character development. It's a case of: 'Don't sit on this. Get someone who knows the format - NOW and let's go'.
But wait - I need a goal. I'm like that.
This screenplay's not for sale -not without me. (Unless Woody Allen's directing, in which it's yours, honey - I'll see you in the cinema.)
So - I need some time to do a dialogue re write. And I need a mentor. And I need to stay really really calm. And I probably should to get back to LA kind of quickly to get in the middle of what might happen here.
Lots of things suddenly feel urgent.
But I'm in Scotland. Attached to a piece of work that I am committed to.
Sitting here frozen. This time literally as well as metaphorically.
I can't write anything for the client.
I can't get the words out.
The project for ten days is at a standstill, like a ship locked in ice.
***
Only tonight, I am staring at my frozen self and beginning to admit: this is really, really hard - trying to stay focused on the day job, writing materials for other people on subjects that are a million miles away from where my heart is beating - when I've got all this going on in your mind about something that's happening 6000 miles away. It's really, really hard.
And that's why I'm having writer's block for the first time in my writing career.
Because I feel completely overwhelmed.
I tell myself if I can just get this chapter nailed, I'll have time to go back to the screenplay and start rewrite number two - and I'll show them that we really don't need a new writer.
I'll show myself that I can do this. Even with my inexperience, and lack of schooling in the art, I can learn fast and because I have a talent - I can do this. I can do this in less than three years. I can do this in time for 'now'. And anyway, as Morrissey once said: how soon is now?
I keep telling myself I can not afford to lose days here. But I'm so overwhelmed that that's exactly what I'm doing. I am losing days and days. And the panic is rising. To levels that I don't remember ever having experienced before.
And then in meditation tonight it came to me.
We say we want something.
But when it responds to our call, are we ready for the journey?
Because I'm really, really scared.
There's a fear that I don't know how to write it the way that they'll want it. And there's a fear that THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING...and there's a fear that all of this is going nowhere... and there's a fear that I am going to f*** this up spectacularly.
All of this fear has left me distracted as I've ever been.
I can't write for the client.
I can't write for myself.
I can't write for the readers or the studios.
***
This is all about EQUANIMITY under pressure - this is exactly what yoga is all about.
Staying focused under pressure.
Isn't this what seven years of yoga have prepared you for?
Don't you know how to practice?
Are you going to forget everything you've learned now?
Because this what you learned for - and you're only at the start of the journey.
You're going to have to learn a lot more and go a lot deeper for a long way yet.
You might get nowhere - and so what?
You might f*** it up - and so what?
You might get it right - and so what?
How identified are you to the idea of 'failure' ?
Are you so identified with it that you are not able to finish what you started?
Are you so identified with it that you will measure your self worth against it?
You should know better.
We've done that work.
You know that all of that is a lie.
***
I remembered that I wrote something on Sunday afternoon when I was staring out the window.
And I realized that I wrote it as a message for me:
"the thing you think you can't do - it's what you were meant for.
Face your fears. Find your self."
#fearless #believe
I remembered that I wrote something on Sunday afternoon when I was staring out the window.
And I realized that I wrote it as a message for me:
"the thing you think you can't do - it's what you were meant for.
Face your fears. Find your self."
#fearless #believe
***
It's a test.
I've not doing too well at it these last 10 days.
But now I know it's a test,
I know what I have to do.
Help me angels.
Just stay close now angels.
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