Ready or Not

I go the gym. it's closed for refurb.
I go to the alternative gym they're redirecting us to.
It's not open yet. i go back to yoga studio - just missed class.
I go to Starbucks.

The guy in front of me is asking the girl what helps with colds.
She is saying nothing.
He says 'Aw come ON!' in a proper Glasgow voice.
He's desperate.
I whisper: 'The chai will help - tea bag, NOT the syrup.'
He turns round and asks 'How come?'
I am looking at the tea. 'It has fresh ginger, cardamon and cinnamon. They'll help.'
I look up at him. It's my yoga teacher.

Only it's the first time we're seeing each other properly dressed and so neither of us are very certain that we recognise each other. We look more deeply at one another to be sure. It's funny, outside of a room where it's 104 fahrenheit, where we're both not drenched in sweat, I see very clearly for the first time what I saw in the soaking studio all along: he's just like James Macavoy in look and character for his role in Shameless. Swagger, charm, tenderness, wise, streetwise, utterly genuine, all confidence and intelligence and heart.

I look at the floor - I think I am blushing. Why am I blushing?

He keeps looking at me with a huge grin on his face. We both know we've just broken our unspoken rule - to never ever communicate out of the context of the Studio.

He keeps grinning at me and doesn't take his eyes off me. 'How do I get her to make it?'

The girl behind the counter who was trying to serve him is wondering what just happened between these two strangers. She's staring at us bewildered.

'Hot water. Don't let her turn it into a latte. Like no milk...' I say.

'I like milk' he says

'OK, just a dash of milk. but really not much' I concede.

He tells the girl what to do.

I get my drink and move on.

'Thanks for that, ' he says, not taking his eyes off me.

'You're welcome' I say, hastily moving away.

Neither of us has acknowledged that we know each other yet.

A minute later, he comes up to me, still grinning fixing me with direct blue eyes:

'Sugar - what do you think?'

'Honey is better, ' I say 'For a cold... It'll be more healing. It's antiseptic and...'

'Yes! Honey!'

He's clearly delighted.

He  turns around to go, still grinning - and looks at me, by now laughing out loud:

'I'll be across the road. And you had better be in - later.'

I watch him leave, smiling - wondering why neither of us openly said 'Hi' to the other.

***

About sixty seconds later,  it hits me like a ray of light: L has left this relationship, and I'm out here in the world alone. Everything in my world has changed. Again.

And the journey goes on. Again.

And you can't stop change.
It will have you.
It's always coming - whether you're ready or not.

Whatever we may have wanted for our life. Whatever we may still want - there are things we don't get to control. There are people who won't be there when they said they would be. There are people who will leave you on your own when they said they never would not because they meant to hurt you - but because Change came for them.

And now, it's coming for you.
It's happening. Already.
It can't be denied.

And I can't stop it.
I think it's better that I get ready.
Help me angels.

Conversation Before Bed (I Don't Care if it's Ryan FUCKING Gosling)

Two life long girlfriends talking on the phone before bed on a mid week night:


F: You have been alone for 7 out of the last 10 years

M: I know it. I am unloveable.

F: No, you’re not. You’re stupid.

M: What?

F You make it hard on yourself. You have very high standards.

M: What?

F: Like, he has has to be a freaking off the scale genius - even though he can’t actually communicate on a day to day level, you choose THAT guy. Or the other guy these last few years - I mean he was so goddam spiritual, he was a freaking monk.

M: What is this conversation for?

F: You need to lower your standards.

M: (LOL!) For what?

F: You'll end up old and alone.

M: I am old and alone. I 'm good. It's fine.

F: See, you do this. You're so fine being alone - how is a man going to feel like you need him? A man has to feel like he is needed.

M: I don't do 'need'. It's an illusion.

F: Oh god. You have been on your own for 7 out of 10 years.

M: You said that already.

F: Did I tell you you're stupid?

M: Yes, you did.

F: Silence.

M: Are we done? Are you done?

F: So that was your 30s.

M: You know what else i don't need? I don't need my goddam friends projecting their insecurity about their life choices on to me. I am not sorry my life looks different from yours. It's beautiful. And I love it, and it's mine. Now can I go?

F: Silence

M: I'm gonna go. Goodnight. I love you. I'll call you next week.

F: Silence

M: You're upset. Why are YOU upset? I'm the one going through the thing. What's wrong?

F: Why can't you say yes if he has kids? Even you said you would take Ryan Gosling off the 'fantasy league' list if he ever had kids... I mean, why do you make it so hard all the time?

M: That's not making it hard for me, that's called self care. If a man is a father to kids under 20, he's not really available. I learned that already. He has a number one priority which is not your relationship - and he manages his priority with another woman. Not going there. Trust me.

F: It's not always like that.

M: Oh come on. If he's actually a nice man, and a good father - it's just like that. That's why he's not available. Can we drop this. Please.

F: You don't..

M: OK, you know what? YOU don't. You DON'T get to tell me this stuff. YOU were not married into exactly that situation, and I was. And I got out of it and it nearly killed me - and THAT is why I have spent 7 out of 10 years alone. Because it - that whole decade of my life that I gave to a marriage that turned out not to be a priority for anyone but me, and then getting out of that situation - it nearly fucking killed me. OK? So that's why I don't care if it's Ryan FUCKING Gosling, I'm not fucking going there again.

And yes, that's why it's taking me so fucking long to give you my happy ever after so that you can feel whatever vicarious fucking bullshit it is you feel when you look at me.
I mean can you get that? Can you?

F: Oh, I see. Well, now I get it.

M: Silence

F You know what's sad? You gave him your 20s, but he kind of took your 30s too.

M: No he didn't. It's my choice how long I mourn for something or make sense of something or move one from something.

F: Well you'll be 40. And all this time of your life, most of your 30s, you were on your own.

M: Well, my 40s are mine. And I'm really happy. And it's going to be fine.

F: You're not unloveable.

M: I know that. Goodnight.

F: Hey, maybe you'll end up meeting Ryan Gosling and he'll have children with you. That would be cool.

Me: Um. I don't think so. He's kind of too young for me.

F: OMG, I told you, you're stupid. You are.

M: I know. Goodnight.