Conversation Before Bed (I Don't Care if it's Ryan FUCKING Gosling)

Two life long girlfriends talking on the phone before bed on a mid week night:


F: You have been alone for 7 out of the last 10 years

M: I know it. I am unloveable.

F: No, you’re not. You’re stupid.

M: What?

F You make it hard on yourself. You have very high standards.

M: What?

F: Like, he has has to be a freaking off the scale genius - even though he can’t actually communicate on a day to day level, you choose THAT guy. Or the other guy these last few years - I mean he was so goddam spiritual, he was a freaking monk.

M: What is this conversation for?

F: You need to lower your standards.

M: (LOL!) For what?

F: You'll end up old and alone.

M: I am old and alone. I 'm good. It's fine.

F: See, you do this. You're so fine being alone - how is a man going to feel like you need him? A man has to feel like he is needed.

M: I don't do 'need'. It's an illusion.

F: Oh god. You have been on your own for 7 out of 10 years.

M: You said that already.

F: Did I tell you you're stupid?

M: Yes, you did.

F: Silence.

M: Are we done? Are you done?

F: So that was your 30s.

M: You know what else i don't need? I don't need my goddam friends projecting their insecurity about their life choices on to me. I am not sorry my life looks different from yours. It's beautiful. And I love it, and it's mine. Now can I go?

F: Silence

M: I'm gonna go. Goodnight. I love you. I'll call you next week.

F: Silence

M: You're upset. Why are YOU upset? I'm the one going through the thing. What's wrong?

F: Why can't you say yes if he has kids? Even you said you would take Ryan Gosling off the 'fantasy league' list if he ever had kids... I mean, why do you make it so hard all the time?

M: That's not making it hard for me, that's called self care. If a man is a father to kids under 20, he's not really available. I learned that already. He has a number one priority which is not your relationship - and he manages his priority with another woman. Not going there. Trust me.

F: It's not always like that.

M: Oh come on. If he's actually a nice man, and a good father - it's just like that. That's why he's not available. Can we drop this. Please.

F: You don't..

M: OK, you know what? YOU don't. You DON'T get to tell me this stuff. YOU were not married into exactly that situation, and I was. And I got out of it and it nearly killed me - and THAT is why I have spent 7 out of 10 years alone. Because it - that whole decade of my life that I gave to a marriage that turned out not to be a priority for anyone but me, and then getting out of that situation - it nearly fucking killed me. OK? So that's why I don't care if it's Ryan FUCKING Gosling, I'm not fucking going there again.

And yes, that's why it's taking me so fucking long to give you my happy ever after so that you can feel whatever vicarious fucking bullshit it is you feel when you look at me.
I mean can you get that? Can you?

F: Oh, I see. Well, now I get it.

M: Silence

F You know what's sad? You gave him your 20s, but he kind of took your 30s too.

M: No he didn't. It's my choice how long I mourn for something or make sense of something or move one from something.

F: Well you'll be 40. And all this time of your life, most of your 30s, you were on your own.

M: Well, my 40s are mine. And I'm really happy. And it's going to be fine.

F: You're not unloveable.

M: I know that. Goodnight.

F: Hey, maybe you'll end up meeting Ryan Gosling and he'll have children with you. That would be cool.

Me: Um. I don't think so. He's kind of too young for me.

F: OMG, I told you, you're stupid. You are.

M: I know. Goodnight.