Ready or Not

I go the gym. it's closed for refurb.
I go to the alternative gym they're redirecting us to.
It's not open yet. i go back to yoga studio - just missed class.
I go to Starbucks.

The guy in front of me is asking the girl what helps with colds.
She is saying nothing.
He says 'Aw come ON!' in a proper Glasgow voice.
He's desperate.
I whisper: 'The chai will help - tea bag, NOT the syrup.'
He turns round and asks 'How come?'
I am looking at the tea. 'It has fresh ginger, cardamon and cinnamon. They'll help.'
I look up at him. It's my yoga teacher.

Only it's the first time we're seeing each other properly dressed and so neither of us are very certain that we recognise each other. We look more deeply at one another to be sure. It's funny, outside of a room where it's 104 fahrenheit, where we're both not drenched in sweat, I see very clearly for the first time what I saw in the soaking studio all along: he's just like James Macavoy in look and character for his role in Shameless. Swagger, charm, tenderness, wise, streetwise, utterly genuine, all confidence and intelligence and heart.

I look at the floor - I think I am blushing. Why am I blushing?

He keeps looking at me with a huge grin on his face. We both know we've just broken our unspoken rule - to never ever communicate out of the context of the Studio.

He keeps grinning at me and doesn't take his eyes off me. 'How do I get her to make it?'

The girl behind the counter who was trying to serve him is wondering what just happened between these two strangers. She's staring at us bewildered.

'Hot water. Don't let her turn it into a latte. Like no milk...' I say.

'I like milk' he says

'OK, just a dash of milk. but really not much' I concede.

He tells the girl what to do.

I get my drink and move on.

'Thanks for that, ' he says, not taking his eyes off me.

'You're welcome' I say, hastily moving away.

Neither of us has acknowledged that we know each other yet.

A minute later, he comes up to me, still grinning fixing me with direct blue eyes:

'Sugar - what do you think?'

'Honey is better, ' I say 'For a cold... It'll be more healing. It's antiseptic and...'

'Yes! Honey!'

He's clearly delighted.

He  turns around to go, still grinning - and looks at me, by now laughing out loud:

'I'll be across the road. And you had better be in - later.'

I watch him leave, smiling - wondering why neither of us openly said 'Hi' to the other.

***

About sixty seconds later,  it hits me like a ray of light: L has left this relationship, and I'm out here in the world alone. Everything in my world has changed. Again.

And the journey goes on. Again.

And you can't stop change.
It will have you.
It's always coming - whether you're ready or not.

Whatever we may have wanted for our life. Whatever we may still want - there are things we don't get to control. There are people who won't be there when they said they would be. There are people who will leave you on your own when they said they never would not because they meant to hurt you - but because Change came for them.

And now, it's coming for you.
It's happening. Already.
It can't be denied.

And I can't stop it.
I think it's better that I get ready.
Help me angels.