"When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry..."
How many years does it take to become aware of patterns of behaviour so deeply imprinted on to your psyche that they dictate the outcome of almost every situation you enter?
In my case - 33.
There's the thinking in spiritual traditions of all ancient cultures that as you are within, so it is without.
That what you experience in the world around you is actually just a mirror, a cosmic articulation of your deepest beliefs about yourself. The thinking is that we are energetic beings in physical form: and as energy, we are aligned to, attuned to, in sync with, energy that resonates and vibrates at a frequency that matches our own.
See and experience joy and success and love - and it's because you are within yourself in alignment with joy and success and love: it's the outward expression of the expectation of your deepest, most intimate beliefs which are funbdamentally an articulation of your energetic core.
See and experience loss and sorrow and pain - and it's because you are within yourself in alignment with loss and sorrow and pain: it's the outward expression of the expectation of your deepest, most intimate beliefs which are fundamentally an articulation of your energetic core.
So by that thinking, when you experience situations and relationships that hurt you or wound you, you are coming face to face with a part of you that is deeply attuned to that very experience at an energetic level. Essentially -it's your vibe.
How many years of spiritual study does it take to become comfortable with the acceptance that 'we create our own reality through the frequency of our energetic vibration' and to see how this might actually be playing out in real lives, for real in real situations?
For me: 3
"You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special..."
So how much of my life spent feeling like I don't belong here? Like I'm not wanted, no worthy, not worth it?
Answer: 31 years
How many years of thinking I'd caught it, named it, cleared it - ended it?
Answer: 4 years
I rememeber looking around me six months before my whole world imploded: i remember thinking this isn't right. This isn't how it's meant to be. No love. No support. No warmth. I knew I deserved more.
And deep, deep within me I knew this wasn't the first time I had found myself right there.
Sweetly, sincerely, I ended everything as it was then and there and I thought that was it. I felt my heart break. I thought I'd done the work.
I didn't understand then how I had created it. I challenged this school of thinking, how could it possibly have any real meaning - how would anyone, why would anyone be in alignment with things that hurt? How on earth could what what was around me come from within me - it didn't make sense.
Why would I be in attunement with rejection, with isolation, with abandonment?
I hadn't done the work.
I did the work.
I meditated. I prayed. I wrote. I journalled. I looked back to the very beginning and found a little girl who felt intuitively that she wasn't wanted from conception and who was told when she was small that she had ruined everything just by being there, and who was told when she was bigger that she was only worth what she could achieve, and who lived in the eye of a violent and terrifying storm of a home.
What else was she going to create - but a world with all the signs of outward achievement and excellence built on a core belief of not being wanted, not being good enough and an expecation of abuse.
A year later, I thought, maybe - maybe there is something in this: it was all unconscious but it seemed to me, it was all there: it turned out that as within -but deep, deep within - so without.
I was shocked.
I cried. I learned. I forgave. I took journies in to healing with trusted teachers.
I healed.
I learned about chakras and in doing so I began to consciously repattern my energy. And I saw shifts in all aspects of my world.
And so the healing happened.
"I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul"
It's painful to delve in to your psyche to pull out the darkness. But according to the ancients, if I could just reattune my core energy, release from it the residue of conditioned patterns of behaviour from previous experience, if I could bring myself to be in unconflicted alignment with the things I thought I really wanted, and if I could then take every action without any expecation or attachment - then there was no stopping it: everything i ever wanted would arrive effortlessly, easily, and enjoyably and miraculously.
OK.
How many years has it taken for me to clear negative patterns from my energetic being?
Answer: 3
How many dreams have come true in the process, and as a result?
Answer: Well from reading Hayhouse and Deepak Chopra books three years ago, to attending a Hayhouse conference representing Deepak's ANH 2 months ago in San Diego -I would say just too many to count. And all of them just happened. In between there's been a longed for reconnection with a club environment and late night soundsystems, a journey into robotica and a life time connection with NYC and here is the healing center and the work with record labels and artists across the US to make something very special indeed come alive.
Too many to list or to count. They keep coming, and I feel blessed. I meet every day with faith and love and gratitude knowing that many miracles are coming my way.
I've learned how to heal.
And I know that I know enough to take other people through the process and help them realise their dreams. A healer. A teacher.
"Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want"
So what does it mean when you think you're there - and you've done the work, and there are no more dark spots of unwanted conditioning in your being for you to have to work through - and then: here it comes - a relationship that you think is part of the blooming of a bigger and beautiful picture, becomes unhinged, becomes fragile and looks like it will end in a situation that's not what you want?
Answer: It think it means that you still haven't done work! Or maybe that the work is never 'done'.
I think it means that there's always more to do.
I think that maybe it means that you'll always be shown where you truly are at the core of your being by the essence of the experiences and relationships that you're living in any given moment. It's where you are. It's your vibe.
Your challenge when you feel something you don't enjoy feeling, or that you think you've released from your core being, is to know it. To name it. And to choose in your actions to release it - to end it.
How many months did it take me to figure out what was happening the last time this happened?
Answer: 7 months
How many weeks did it take me from then to call time on the situation and to end it?
Answer: 6 weeks
I'm healing
I thought I had done so well: I entered into a commitment with someone based on my authentic belief in them, love for them, commitment to helping and supporting them.
We exchanged emails. We met in San Diego. We made an agreement and a commitment.
I did the work. He became unavailable.
I delivered the work. He became silent.
I reached out. He stayed back.
"I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so ...special
I wish I was special"
A friend asked me 'Is this a dysfunctional love relationship?'
I realised what I was being taught.
It's not about the situation never coming up again - it's about knowing when it does what it is, and believing in the energetic principle of attunement and alignment.
It's about having the self belief and faith to end as quickly as it emerges any patterns that are essentially old imprints representing.
How many weeks did it take me this time to figure out that it's happening again?
Answer: 2 weeks
How many days has it taken me call time on this situation and to end it?
Answer: 3 days
So I sent him a note. And said enough, and no more.
I can not, will not do this. That we have to do this differently on terms that support and honour me or else we stop now and we don't do it at all. I've maybe ended this whole situation before it even started.
It might mean the losing of the thing that I thought is bringing me what I really want: the much needed little piece that completes a larger whole of security, both emotional and financial.
I've risked losing a relationship that I thought was going to give just what I needed. That looked on the surface like it would give me just what I needed.
Because I believe that I am essentially an expression of energy incarnated in to a physical form, and that as energy my vibration will naturally be in sync with, in harmony with, in tune with, in alignment with other patterns of energy that vibrate at the same frequecny.
Because I believe that the frequency of my core energy aligns itself with matching frequencies in the world around me: so that what is around me is actually a mirror of what is within me.
Because I believe that how I am vibrationally as energy becomes the truth of my experienced reality in the material world.
And because I believed that here I was creating again was something that looked supportive on the surface but was actually confused and ambivalent at its core.
It's my vibration.
I've decided I need to end it. Let it go. I need to be very conscious of my vibration. Consciously re-attune. Realign. And repattern. I need to reset, reclaim it.
In releasing from my experience a vibration that felt familiar from a state of being in which I expected to be rejected and to be left behind, I believe that - even if I lose this opportunity - the essence of what I wanted that relationship to bring me will re present in my experience - on clearer, less compromising, more respectful and more cherishing terms.
It's frightening and feels chaotic to be challenged to let this go. Because it looks so much like the thing that I really want.
I'm so scared. I'm so so scared.
But I believe it's the right thing to have done.
Because I believe that what I experience is in alignment with my core energy - that in the end what I get is for me to determine in my vibration.
Because at at last I believe something else too: that I am someone to be wanted, to be cherished, to be respected and to be supported.
Because at last I can say, maybe for the for the first time in my life, with pure and utter commitment and love:
I think I'm special.
And I do belong here.
Through time and space.
