The A Type

F: 'I know what it is. I don't think you're Alpha male girlfriend or wife material'

Me: 'What is that meant to mean?'

F: 'It means they don't choose women who make them feel inadequate. They choose women who will support them while they play the game. Not women who they'll need to show up for as spectators.'

Me: 'Oh. So then what do i do?'

F: 'Lower your expectations. Choose someone less A type. Someone who doesn't need to be in control.'

Me: 'I like driven men. They're hot.'

F: 'T'hey're not hot when they tell you that you're too independent and not at home enough and always wrapped up in your projects. You are not a doll - and in the end, they can't handle it.'

Me: 'So what am i mean to do?'

F: 'Change yourself.'

Me: 'Not gonna happen. What else you got?'

F: 'Change what you're prepared to accept in a man. Choose someone who will let you be in control
Me: I don't WANT to be in control of someone else's life. I want someone who is so secure and in control in his own life that he will let me be me, leave me alone to do my thing and give me all the support I need to succeed.'

F: 'And that's not exactly been an easy find, has it?'

Me: 'And so where does that leave me?'

F: 'Alone.'

Me: 'Well thanks for calling. That's great news. That's really fantastic news.'

Ready or Not

I go the gym. it's closed for refurb.
I go to the alternative gym they're redirecting us to.
It's not open yet. i go back to yoga studio - just missed class.
I go to Starbucks.

The guy in front of me is asking the girl what helps with colds.
She is saying nothing.
He says 'Aw come ON!' in a proper Glasgow voice.
He's desperate.
I whisper: 'The chai will help - tea bag, NOT the syrup.'
He turns round and asks 'How come?'
I am looking at the tea. 'It has fresh ginger, cardamon and cinnamon. They'll help.'
I look up at him. It's my yoga teacher.

Only it's the first time we're seeing each other properly dressed and so neither of us are very certain that we recognise each other. We look more deeply at one another to be sure. It's funny, outside of a room where it's 104 fahrenheit, where we're both not drenched in sweat, I see very clearly for the first time what I saw in the soaking studio all along: he's just like James Macavoy in look and character for his role in Shameless. Swagger, charm, tenderness, wise, streetwise, utterly genuine, all confidence and intelligence and heart.

I look at the floor - I think I am blushing. Why am I blushing?

He keeps looking at me with a huge grin on his face. We both know we've just broken our unspoken rule - to never ever communicate out of the context of the Studio.

He keeps grinning at me and doesn't take his eyes off me. 'How do I get her to make it?'

The girl behind the counter who was trying to serve him is wondering what just happened between these two strangers. She's staring at us bewildered.

'Hot water. Don't let her turn it into a latte. Like no milk...' I say.

'I like milk' he says

'OK, just a dash of milk. but really not much' I concede.

He tells the girl what to do.

I get my drink and move on.

'Thanks for that, ' he says, not taking his eyes off me.

'You're welcome' I say, hastily moving away.

Neither of us has acknowledged that we know each other yet.

A minute later, he comes up to me, still grinning fixing me with direct blue eyes:

'Sugar - what do you think?'

'Honey is better, ' I say 'For a cold... It'll be more healing. It's antiseptic and...'

'Yes! Honey!'

He's clearly delighted.

He  turns around to go, still grinning - and looks at me, by now laughing out loud:

'I'll be across the road. And you had better be in - later.'

I watch him leave, smiling - wondering why neither of us openly said 'Hi' to the other.

***

About sixty seconds later,  it hits me like a ray of light: L has left this relationship, and I'm out here in the world alone. Everything in my world has changed. Again.

And the journey goes on. Again.

And you can't stop change.
It will have you.
It's always coming - whether you're ready or not.

Whatever we may have wanted for our life. Whatever we may still want - there are things we don't get to control. There are people who won't be there when they said they would be. There are people who will leave you on your own when they said they never would not because they meant to hurt you - but because Change came for them.

And now, it's coming for you.
It's happening. Already.
It can't be denied.

And I can't stop it.
I think it's better that I get ready.
Help me angels.

Conversation Before Bed (I Don't Care if it's Ryan FUCKING Gosling)

Two life long girlfriends talking on the phone before bed on a mid week night:


F: You have been alone for 7 out of the last 10 years

M: I know it. I am unloveable.

F: No, you’re not. You’re stupid.

M: What?

F You make it hard on yourself. You have very high standards.

M: What?

F: Like, he has has to be a freaking off the scale genius - even though he can’t actually communicate on a day to day level, you choose THAT guy. Or the other guy these last few years - I mean he was so goddam spiritual, he was a freaking monk.

M: What is this conversation for?

F: You need to lower your standards.

M: (LOL!) For what?

F: You'll end up old and alone.

M: I am old and alone. I 'm good. It's fine.

F: See, you do this. You're so fine being alone - how is a man going to feel like you need him? A man has to feel like he is needed.

M: I don't do 'need'. It's an illusion.

F: Oh god. You have been on your own for 7 out of 10 years.

M: You said that already.

F: Did I tell you you're stupid?

M: Yes, you did.

F: Silence.

M: Are we done? Are you done?

F: So that was your 30s.

M: You know what else i don't need? I don't need my goddam friends projecting their insecurity about their life choices on to me. I am not sorry my life looks different from yours. It's beautiful. And I love it, and it's mine. Now can I go?

F: Silence

M: I'm gonna go. Goodnight. I love you. I'll call you next week.

F: Silence

M: You're upset. Why are YOU upset? I'm the one going through the thing. What's wrong?

F: Why can't you say yes if he has kids? Even you said you would take Ryan Gosling off the 'fantasy league' list if he ever had kids... I mean, why do you make it so hard all the time?

M: That's not making it hard for me, that's called self care. If a man is a father to kids under 20, he's not really available. I learned that already. He has a number one priority which is not your relationship - and he manages his priority with another woman. Not going there. Trust me.

F: It's not always like that.

M: Oh come on. If he's actually a nice man, and a good father - it's just like that. That's why he's not available. Can we drop this. Please.

F: You don't..

M: OK, you know what? YOU don't. You DON'T get to tell me this stuff. YOU were not married into exactly that situation, and I was. And I got out of it and it nearly killed me - and THAT is why I have spent 7 out of 10 years alone. Because it - that whole decade of my life that I gave to a marriage that turned out not to be a priority for anyone but me, and then getting out of that situation - it nearly fucking killed me. OK? So that's why I don't care if it's Ryan FUCKING Gosling, I'm not fucking going there again.

And yes, that's why it's taking me so fucking long to give you my happy ever after so that you can feel whatever vicarious fucking bullshit it is you feel when you look at me.
I mean can you get that? Can you?

F: Oh, I see. Well, now I get it.

M: Silence

F You know what's sad? You gave him your 20s, but he kind of took your 30s too.

M: No he didn't. It's my choice how long I mourn for something or make sense of something or move one from something.

F: Well you'll be 40. And all this time of your life, most of your 30s, you were on your own.

M: Well, my 40s are mine. And I'm really happy. And it's going to be fine.

F: You're not unloveable.

M: I know that. Goodnight.

F: Hey, maybe you'll end up meeting Ryan Gosling and he'll have children with you. That would be cool.

Me: Um. I don't think so. He's kind of too young for me.

F: OMG, I told you, you're stupid. You are.

M: I know. Goodnight.

Note to Self: Face Your Fears. Find Your Self.

About two weeks ago, the readers' notes on ALL THE REASONS I SAID YES, re-write number one came back. And they love the work. They compare it to 'Silver Linings'. And they say it's a very special indie. And they're talking about a buyer and connecting with the material.

But of course there are some very stern words: 'A screenplay is not a novel' and the 're write your dialogue' and the 'develop your character'.

But one message keeps repeating from four different readers:
'The only thing holding this back are the errors with the format - apart from that, it's compelling, powerful, fascinating, beautiful, poignant, relevant...'

Wow. So it's good. But it needs some work.

But, they think studios will want to move on it so fast that they want to bring in a new writer - because this screenplay, it's very NOW. No time, apparently, to wait three years for the idiot new writer (that's me) to perfect the art of cinema dialogue and character development. It's a case of: 'Don't sit on this. Get someone who knows the format - NOW and let's go'.

But wait - I need a goal. I'm like that.
This screenplay's not for sale -not without me. (Unless Woody Allen's directing, in which it's yours, honey - I'll see you in the cinema.)

So - I need some time to do a dialogue re write. And I need a mentor. And I need to stay really really calm. And I probably should to get back to LA kind of quickly to get in the middle of what might happen here.

Lots of things suddenly feel urgent.

But I'm in Scotland. Attached to a piece of work that I am committed to.
Sitting here frozen. This time literally as well as metaphorically.
I can't write anything for the client.
I can't get the words out.
The project for ten days is at a standstill, like a ship locked in ice.

***

When I got the reader notes back, I didn't tell anyone. I told myself, I don't have time to deal with this right now. I have a deadline for a client. Deliver it. And then come back to this.

Only tonight, I am staring at my frozen self and beginning to admit: this is really, really hard - trying to stay focused on the day job, writing materials for other people on subjects that are a million miles away from where my heart is beating - when I've got all this going on in your mind about something that's happening 6000 miles away. It's really, really hard.

And that's why I'm having writer's block for the first time in my writing career.
Because I feel completely overwhelmed.

I tell myself if I can just get this chapter nailed, I'll have time to go back to the screenplay and start rewrite number two - and I'll show them that we really don't need a new writer.

I'll show myself that I can do this. Even with my inexperience, and lack of schooling in the art, I can learn fast and because I have a talent - I can do this. I can do this in less than three years. I can do this in time for 'now'. And anyway, as Morrissey once said: how soon is now?

I keep telling myself I can not afford to lose days here. But I'm so overwhelmed that that's exactly what I'm doing. I am losing days and days. And the panic is rising. To levels that I don't remember ever having experienced before.

And then in meditation tonight it came to me.
We say we want something.
But when it responds to our call, are we ready for the journey?
Because I'm really, really scared.

There's a fear that I don't know how to write it the way that they'll want it. And there's a fear that THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING...and there's a fear that all of this is going nowhere... and there's a fear that I am going to f*** this up spectacularly.

All of this fear has left me distracted as I've ever been.
I can't write for the client.
I can't write for myself.
I can't write for the readers or the studios.

***

As I sat with an awareness of my own fear, a deeper, and yet more gentle knowing, began to speak to me and fill me:

This is all about EQUANIMITY under pressure - this is exactly what yoga is all about.
Staying focused under pressure.

Isn't this what seven years of yoga have prepared you for?
Don't you know how to practice?
Are you going to forget everything you've learned now?
Because this what you learned for - and you're only at the start of the journey.
You're going to have to learn a lot more and go a lot deeper for a long way yet.

You might get nowhere - and so what?
You might f*** it up - and so what?
You might get it right - and so what?
How identified are you to the idea of  'failure' ?
Are you so identified with it that you are not able to finish what you started?
Are you so identified with it that you will measure your self worth against it?
You should know better.
We've done that work.
You know that all of that is a lie.

***
I remembered that I wrote something on Sunday afternoon when I was staring out the window.
And I realized that I wrote it as a message for me:

"the thing you think you can't do - it's what you were meant for.
Face your fears. Find your self."
#fearless #believe

***

It's a test. 

I've not doing too well at it these last 10 days. 

But now I know it's a test, 

I know what I have to do. 

Help me angels.  

Just stay close now angels.