From The Field.

It's Sunday, and I get to look back on this crazy time and all the things that are happening and coming up. I am marvelling at how it has come to be that I am realising a life long dream to work with robots. But it's come to pass at the same time that I am deeepening my understanding of and commitment to new dimensions of being human. I love it. Everything feels beautiful. Somewhere someone wrote about the track above, 'it's about a lonely girl who makes mountains out of molehills' ! But I know there's something deeper:

After a year of not being able to share with anyone, I decided to tell others about this blog a week ago, and a very new friend, who lives in Oceanside, San Diego, read through all of it and sent me an e-mail referring to all the loss and suffering I felt in the aftermath of a divorce and a closed business, and leaving behind of an old way of life, saying 'You need to stop believing that what you've been through - that it's your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself...'

I couldn't believe how deeply it resonated. I thought I had released so much. But as I read those words, I felt it grip me - this feeling that somewhere within me there might actually still be a part of me that would stand in the way of me keeping everything I have ever dreamed of: a part of me that believes that I don't deserve it.

For the last three days I have been thinking, thinking, thinking about the part of me that still doesn't believe that I really deserve love or success. I've been asking in prayer and listening for answers in meditation for ways for me to release all those ideas within me that would stand in the way of me and the things that I know I can create and grow in my world.

This morning, out of the blue I noticed I had a missed call from the former Chairman of my company, Manna - I don't think we've talked for over two years. There was a voicemail asking me to call him. He didn't even know if the number he tried was still mine. I returned his call and was thrilled to hear his voice. We talked and were both happy to be in each others' worlds again.

I told him that the long silence these last two years on my part had been due to the multiple complications and feelings of loss and mourning that I experienced after making the decision to close: I asked him, thinking about this part of that thinks I deserve to suffer - I said,

"Chris, I've been thinking, and I'm going to ask you straight up and I know you'll tell me directly. Was it me? Was I not good enough? Was there something I should have been doing that I didn't do? As a director, as a shareholder, as a manager, as a colleague, as an individual? Was it me?"

He's in his late 60s. He's the Divisional Director for Central and NW England for one of the UK's leading private equity houses. He chairs and manages investments in select companies, with values in to millions. He and I worked together from 2002 to 2007 on an almost daily basis. He knows everything about how I am, who I am.

He said,

"Rakhi, it was something excellent. The concept is one of the strongest there is out there...You were always more than exceptional. You were very very good.'

*************************************
I told him about training in holistic health, about my frequent trips to the US, about robotics and Informatic, about 'The Modern Girl's Guide to Spirituality', about the Alliance for a New Humanity, about the vision to integrate holistic health and service in to well being centres and maybe another incarnation for Manna in the future.

I waited for him to be bemused and cynical - given his corporate leanings and background. Instead, he said:

"Well, I feel like now there is a time for humanity to review its direction - so much is falling apart, and that bring the opportunity for change. It sounds like what you have been doing is incredible, and you are now doing things that you simply could not have done if you still had Manna. In fact, it may be the thing that, in the end, one day further down, makes sense of why things with Manna ended where they did - because now you are learning new things that I think can be very good for you and for the world at large. ."

*****************************************

More than two years since we last spoke. A missed call from his number to mine yesterday, that I only noticed today and then at last we speak: and just in these days when I have been praying for guidance and help to let me release anything that is within me that thinks I don't deserve the things that are in my heart, he says:

"You were always more than exceptional. You were very very good..."

And from him, probably the most unexpected of sources amongst all the people I know, the affirmation that what has happened, what is happening, 'feels important and with meaning..'

******************************************************************

All my life I loved robots and artificial intelligence. I didn't train in anything remotely scientific or IT related. Not even a GCSE. And here I am working in Informatics and thinking all day about robotica, artificial intelligence, machine learning, and human robot interaction.

I decided to retrain in holistic health and started working towards certification as a meditation intructor - learning how to teach people new ways to think about consciousness - and here I am working with cognitive scientists and neuroscientists.

I decided that I want to move to NYC for at least a short while, working for ANH and two weeks ago they e-mailed me out the blue; a phone call later, and now I am sending them ideas for plans to develop peace consciousness globally and I am meeting them in NYC in three weeks.

I decided I wanted a sign that would help me release any thoughts I have that I don't deserve success. And out the blue this morning, I receive a phonecall for the first time in over two years, from a former corporate backer who tells me that I was 'exceptional' as a leader of an organisation.

It all happens. Every single prayer gets answered.

I know it's not coincedence.

And I know it's not by design.

I think that it's cosmic. From where the sunbeams end and the starlight begins.

From the Field.
******************************************************************

I am in awe at the directness with which prayers are answered when you just open your heart and surrender and release any expectation of the form that they should take.

And I think I am done with fighting their meaning when those answers to prayers arrive in the most unexpected forms.

I have been asking for something more beautiful that I can give words to.
And it occurs to me that maybe it was given all along, but I just couldn't, wouldn't, refused to see it or accept it.

It has felt like a test. It does feel like a test. And I think that maybe it's time I learnt to fight, with love and gentleness and staying power, for the things I believe I deserve. Maybe there's something cosmic in this too.





" THE TEST BEGINS - NOW

I thought I was smart
I thought I was right
I thought it better not to fight
I thought there was a Virtue in always being cool -
so when it came time to Fight
I thought I'll just step aside...

I don't know where the sun beams end
And the starlght begins, it's all a mystery
...If it's not now than tell me when
would be the time...

I don't know where the sun beams end
And the starlight begins, it's all a mystery
And I don't know how a man decides what right
For his own life - it's all a mystery.

THE TEST IS OVER - NOW "
********************************************

In 2003 I used to listen to Yoshimi Part 1 over and over again thinking all the time about robots and Japan and technology imagining how cool it all was, and identifying with lonely girl making mountains out of molehills. Now, more than ever before, she is in me.

I never listened to Yoshimi Pt. 2 'Fight Test' before this morning.

The name, and the idea of fighting always made me 'skip' this track. Today, I decided to listen. Just as I had decided that what I had to do was learn to step up to, reach out for, be unafraid of believing that I deserve eveything that is in my heart - I didn't press 'skip' and I heard, for the first time ever, the words.

They made me smile and cry at once as they articulated every aspect of where I am right now, after six years of choosing not to listen to it until this moment now - and I knew that here it was again: that place where the sunbeams end and the starlight begins pouring like a cosmic rainbow right in to my world - a message just for me, just for this moment in space and time, from the Field.

Sunbeams and starlight and healing and love.
Through time and space.

Good To Go.

home:
NYC - 21 DAYS
SAN DIEGO - 28 DAYS
SEDONA - 42 DAYS

Although You Don't Believe Me You Are Strong.

What I said was: the guy - with music in his blood, NYC in his soul, Edinburgh in his heart and giving in his Spirit - it'd be OK if he showed up now.

I keep coming home in tears.
I keep wondering what more I have to do.
I keep trying to say goodbye.
I keep being drawn deeper in.
I don't believe what's happening is bad.
I don't see how what's happening is good.
I keep wondering what I have to do to.

I know I don't believe that I am strong.


I know that I am strong.


I'd like the Universe to listen to me when I say that I am ready.
I'd like to not have tears in my eyes every night.
It would be OK for him to show up now.




Just at the moment the line 'Although you don't believe me you are strong...' came on and the suddenly the tears were falling harder, at exactly that moment, 6000 miles away in Sacramento, California in a different time zone, at 12:17 PST time, Kerri Olson felt my tears and sent me an urgent e-mail:

It said:

'...Empathy flying far distances, sensing disconnection...'

I replied within minutes from Edinburgh - in a different continent in a different timezone, 19:20 (BST):

'i'm ok...sometimes i think why is it that i am on this journey on my own - a whole lot of friends who love me and god i love you. but when do i meet someone? when do i have a family? i'm going ot be 35...i don't understand what i have to do to let this enter my world. i don't know what i have to do. crying...why am I crying...?'.

We chatted. She made me laugh. She made me think. She reminded me that I am just a girl and that it's all just a part of being human. She told me I'm amazing. And intense. And beautiful. And wise. And just a girl.
She helped me believe again that I am strong.
She caught me. From California. Just then. Within seconds of me coming undone. She caught me - across time and space.

Someone Like You, And All You Know And How You Speak.

It's been a year since I started writing here sharing this journey.

It's been a journey more incredible than anything I could have imagined, or that I thought I was ready for. It's taken me back to San Diego and New York City, and on to the to the Omega Institute and to Columbia University and to Rosslyn Chapel and to the Salisbury Centre and to Stonehenge and Virginia.





I have met members of my soul group. All over the world. I have soul connections right now in Michigan, Pittsburg, Taiwan, Toronto, Omaha, Bakersville, NYC, New Delhi, Mumbai, Paris, China, Dallas, North Carolina, Vermont, Manchester, London, and even here in Edinburgh, my home town, which never felt like a place I came from or could stay in, which I have grown to love.





Something happened.

It feels like I opened myself up to trusting something that I knew to be present, but that I didn't fully understand, and in return it moved to reveal itself to me in parts, patiently waiting for me to be ready to understand one piece at a time.






What I have learnt so far, I think, is that it comes in pieces: you never know the whole answer - you just know what you have to do next, and you have an intuition about where that's leading you. And you have to just trust that. No matter how it challenges you to do so.

I don't know the reasons why some things I am experiencing are happening. I don't know their meaning. I worry about what I want and what I see as occurring before me.
I worry that I am wrong. I worry that I am reading meaning in to nothingness.

But if I were to take away the spiritual truth, as I have come to understand it, of each relationship and situation in my life at present, then I would be left with a set of chance sequential unreleated events without any independent or interrelated meanings; but what resonates within me, outwith me, is that I am here, at the end of, or in the middle of, a series of unlikely coincedences and accidents that have delivered me quite deliberately to the most intense, stretching, challenging, incredible, beautiful and moving set of relationships, opportunties and experiences that I have yet known.




So I have come to trust. That what happens is you use your intuition to feel the way of your overall course. And then you SURRENDER in the moment.

You have to get out of your own way. You have to give up the resistence. You have to give up judging. You have to give up control.




You just have to be committed to being in complete integrity, willing to take the next step, the tiny, tiny step to express your whole and authentic self and trust that what happens after that will be good, and trusting that with every step the path becomes clearer.





It's only in looking back now that I see how much clearer the path is now then it was then, a year ago.

I heal. I teach. I write. I create.
I am on my way to NYC and to California. Closer. Surer.
It all happened. Is happening.

There's more to come: there's a place of my own again, a lasting and deep and true relationship with someone who adores and cherishes me and whom I adore and cherish in return; a short term move to NYC followed by settling in California with a family of my own; there's global work for ANH, teaching THE MODERN GIRL'S GUIDE TO SPIRITUALITY in NYC and SAN DIEGO, there's working with the CHOPRA CENTRE and a wellbeing center in LAGUNA BEACH and books and making films and a whole life full of creativity and healing and learning and giving.




I've never felt more sure it's all there. Lined up.
And in truth I've never felt less certain in my whole life about how, or exactly who with.

I think what I have learnt is what I taught at THE MODERN GIRL'S GUIDE TO SPIRITUALITY last night:

S is for SACRED, and for the SHADOW, and for STILLNESS.

And above all, S is for SURRENDER.





And ultimately it's about surrender to love, through time and space.



------------------------------------------------------

The Promise

I promised myself that this wouldn't happen.
I think it's happening.
And i don't understand a thing.
I have no idea, except for that it feels like something that will make all of this make sense is being born right now.








I don't know where to meet it. I'd like to understand. But I feel it around me, within me, this something being born. And it feels like something safe.

Through time and space.